On a Floating Raft, Leading to Nowhere?

The fecal matter hit the oscillating blade. Soon after my post on FB, I got notes and messages from both Confessionals and Orthodox converts from Lutheranism.

I first have to ask myself: what are the various things going on in the Missouri Synod that made me uneasy? After that, what are the various things going on in Orthodoxy that makes me uneasy?

The first thing I was uneasy about was the lack of consistency of liturgical praxis. I can visit several LCMS parishes and none would be the same. If I want a concert, I’d attend a real concert at the Yum! Center, not that hippy-dippy CoWo shit I hear in the sanctuary. If there is fluffy music in a service, I walk out. I refuse to take the Sacrament from those bozos. Along with inconsistent liturgy is inconsistent theology. I take altar fellowship further than the Synod prescribes. There are several LCMS parishes that I will not step into for Communion. We disagree. That means no go.

The second thing is that I am still healing out from what happened to me 11 years ago. Why would I want to stand with a church body that not only rejected me but also several Confessional pastors? And to excuse spiritual abuse with “well, the Church is full of sinners” does NOT fly.

Where do I go? Not to the ELCA. Not to WELS or ELS– no church in my area or in a 20 mile radius.

I cannot stay where I do not belong.

So I figure I should go where some of my classmates went.

But, Orthodoxy too is a strange land. When I die, what would happen to my soul? Will God recognise me as His own? On what grounds would He let me in Paradise? Is the onus of salvation ultimately on me? I know the saints pray for me. But is kissing an icon a bit too much?

I cannot be the Lone Ranger when it comes to the Church. It is nonsense to say I can meet God at a golf course or in the woods or Churchill Downs but not at the Church. But I feel I cannot return to the Synod.

I give myself one year whether to move into Orthodoxy or return back to Lutheranism. I hope for a resolution.

Swimming the Bosporus

From Facebook:

Gentle people. I have an important announcement. I realise that I am burnt out totally from the Lutheran faith. I have learned various things the past several weeks. My time away from the spectre of Fort Wayne has been invigorating. I realise why I am in Kentucky. Not just to work for Churchill Downs, but also to begin a formal inquiry into the Orthodox faith.
I have various reasons why I am swimming the Bosphorus. The Anselm paradigm I found wanting. My mind during the wilderness years was taxed totally as I have an ontological problem. I felt that the Missouri Synod had rejected me totally. And I found the concept of a merciful Father as present in the Orthodox liturgy healing. Imagine the news that God make me able to grow and heal and have the continual support of him as I repent daily, regardless of how my brain is wired.
The Liturgy puts me at ease, smells, bells, and all. I felt uneasy during my visits to local Lutheran churches in Louisville. Even when I was in Rudisill I felt empty, desiring to go to watch Belmont simulcasts rather than feeling the divorce of mind and soul.
Please be merciful to me. I desire prayers that God will lead me to the right path. I love you all. —c.r.

The Value of Routines

There is a Sports Illustrated article about Autistic people enjoying sports and how sports benefited them. One of the featured people is a hockey player. He mentioned the time when his teammates would go out on New Year’s Eve, but opted to stick to his routine and go to bed as usual.

That reminded me of a Christmas party I attended one year at Hoosier Park in Anderson. My work paid for the hotel rooms we stayed overnight, for the weather was too crappy for a 90-min drive back to Fort Wayne at night.

I get to eat prime rib and met the president of Hoosier Park whilst dancing. After the party, we were given slot vouchers and we could go to the casino. Well…I was unable as my gaming license barred me from playing the slots, so I watched my coworkers play the slots. It was “Meh.” I said to the co-workers: “You guys get to play, I will get to bed and will wait for you so we can play Cards Against Humanity. Text me when you arrive at the hotel. Good Night.” I took the shuttle to the hotel and slept.

I woke up at 1am, thinking they will be at the lobby. Well…they were at the pool, drunk as a bunch of skunks, acting stupid. I will not describe much, but it did involve swimming in one’s skivvies and somebody crying in the corner. NOPE. I turned around and went to bed.

I woke up fabulous and I managed to eat White Castle on the way home.

I bet the hockey player who went to bed had a rockstar morning while his teammates felt like they got ran over.

Maybe you feel like you are missing out on other things because you prefer to go your own pace. The question we can ask is: Are the things we miss out are worth skipping? Going your own pace, doing your routine does have merit in a world of people trapped in “FOMO” (fear of missing out). You get to enjoy things on YOUR OWN TERMS. The day after the party I went home to Fort Wayne without a hangover.

I have been to racetracks outside Louisville that sucked away many a “spoon.” Huge crowds, loud noises, no place to sit unless you want to pay a premium on a dining table at their quieter areas. Next year, I am skipping out on the Pegasus World Cup, despite Gun Runner and Gunnevera and West Coast being there. I have to work. I could disrupt my routine and subject myself to the crowds and sensory intrusions and the bite of the budget. (In fact, last year’s inaugural race was very energy-sucking. Gulfstream is too small for such an event. I was quiet and read the programme whilst my friends got drunk. Later, we got thrown out of the hotel due to their antics. Never again.) Instead, I visited Three Chimmeys Farm to see Gun Runner during its open house and fed him a tasty mint. Later I will watch him run at the Pegasus from the comfort of my office. I enjoyed meeting Gun Runner in person. I would not be able to do that at Gulfstream.


(Image description: Champion horse Gun Runner is being fed a mint by Carol. Gun Runner is behind a barred stall. Carol’s right hand holds a green-striped mint.)

The neurotypicals would think that routines are a sign that one is missing out on excitement and that you are Boring. Not necessarily. It just means you know what you want, how you work, and what is best for your mind and body. The hockey player knew he functioned best with his sleep schedule. I am sure that he made room in other aspects of his life to allow for his enjoyable endeavors outside his vocation.

When I go somewhere to visit, I make sure the events do not affect my routines that I get run down or be not at ease mentally. Here is an example: Next year, Keeneland will have its opening meet in early April. I plan for this weekend several months in advance. I book a hotel room nearby. I will save up for a dining seat at the Phoenix Room section, as I knew the host and wait staff. They will accommodate my needs, like setting aside a quiet place to sit. I will dress comfortably yet stylish. If the crowds are overwhelming, I can visit the gift shop or I can relax at the Sales Pavilion. I know that I can leave early if I have enough. I will sleep at the best time.

When you respect your routines, you are respecting yourself, knowing you are taking good care of yourself.

Breeders’ Spoon

It was a hectic few weeks with the moving and work and the Breeders’ Cup. I am quite subdued and my mood is a bit bummed.

Visited Churchill Downs racetrack yesterday for the racing club and left early after Rare Form’s race. Went directly home and slept after that. I tend to get very tired after visiting the racetrack. You would be surprised how many spoons a visit to a racetrack would cost.

I want to welcome my fellow Autistic bloggers to my blog. Thank you for reading my post.

I need to get back on a good routine that would help me cope and feel good in my mind. I am starting to establish this routine and it involves time organisation. Sunday is my day off so I have time for church, online bill pay, and grocery shopping. Did visit the LCMS congregation nearest me, just a half mile away. Not High Church. At least they used the common cup. Paid my rent and utilities.

And after my lunch, it is time to go grocery shopping. I also do need to buy boots for the weather. Damp feet sucks.